Making ROMANCE

From TRUST to Intimacy
People talk about how hard it is to write Sex. Romance, is actually far more difficult. Sex is simply a squence of ACTIONS: "He did this, she reacted, and then did this in return...etc.” Romance, on the other hand, is a psychologically based sequence of actions for gaining Trust.

On TRUST & the Alpha Hero ~ in ROMANCE
By Angela Knight
In a romance, a great deal of the conflict revolves around trust issues.

• Can I trust this person not to hurt me?
• Can I trust him with the most delicate parts of myself” emotionally and sexually?
• Can I trust him to love me?”

So for reasons of the greatest drama, in romance we want a guy who is manifestly NOT trustworthy – a womanizing alpha male, a vampire, a werewolf. Because when the heroine trusts this guy anyway, the risk is that much greater, and the stakes she’s playing for are that much higher.

That’s why you see so many arrogant alpha male heroes – because they come with built-in conflicts. And that’s why in the 80s, the heroes were so often outright rapists and abusers: they were not trustworthy, in any way, shape or form. They had to learn to become trustworthy to make themselves worthy of the heroine.

But paradoxically, in today’s romances we want heroes who really are heroes from page one. The heroine may doubt whether this guy is trustworthy, and he may seem NOT to be (because he’s a vampire, a werewolf, or an alpha male asshole) — but the writer must reassure the reader right up front that the guy IS a hero, and he can be trusted.

Because otherwise, the heroine is an IDIOT for trusting him, and the reader is not going to want to get into the skin of an idiot.
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Posted with Permission

MAKING Romance in FICTION!
The Ritual of: "May I...?"
So, how do we make it known that a hero is Trustworthy without STATING it? We use BODY LANGUAGE. We SHOW, through the use of the psychological cues of actual Romance.

Basically, we apply the same Dating rules that we follow in real life – how we know when a guy is actually worth trusting enough to kiss - to our fiction.

Real Romance is a ritual dance of Query / Answer on the path toward Intimacy. An interested party makes a Query, they hold out their hand. If the other party grasps that hand voluntarily, then they have Answered in the positive and the next Query, the next step toward Intimacy may be presented. Each positive Answer implies that more intimate contact may be welcome if asked for.

Defining the Twelve Stages of Intimacy
(Derived from a presentation by Linda Howard)

1. Eye to body. He sees her, she sees him. "What have we here?" First Contact. If the heroine turns toward him, in even a small amount, that is the Hero's cue that he may approach.

2. Eye to Eye. He looks at her, she looks at him. "I find you interesting." If the Heroine smiles, this is the Hero's cue that he may speak to her and introduce himself. If he stares too long, he implies that she is not a person but rather an object. If the Heroine perceives this she may turn away to deny continuing contact.

3. Voice to Voice. He introduces himself. "I'd like to know you." If she responds with a smile and friendly conversation, then he is well on his way to closer contact.

4. Hand to Hand. He holds out his hand. "I like you." If she takes his hand and smiles, she has given permission to take the next step.

5. Arm to Shoulder. He sits or stands next to her. "May I touch you?" First Body to Body physical contact. If she stays in contact he may proceed to put his arm around her shoulders. If she moves away, then he must take the time to establish more trust.

6. Arm to Waist. Placing his arm around her waist is a direct query for Possession: "May I have you?" This is a potent and very important step. All contact beyond this point is Sexual in nature. Arm to waist contact is also a territorial signal to others that this person is Taken. It is at this point that the Heroine decides if she wants to be intimate with the Hero – but she does NOT let him know this.

7. Mouth to Mouth. The kiss. First sexual contact. "I want you...this much." How someone kisses implies how they intend to make love. It is not unusual for a Heroine to flee after a kiss that is too controlling or possessive. If this happens, the Hero will need to retreat a few steps in the Dance of Intimacy to rebuild trust.

8. Hand to Head. He touches her hair, her face, her mouth with his fingers. "Will you trust me?" If she allows this, she is giving her ultmate trust. Grasping the hair and / or the face gives the holder control. If he has a tight enough hold, she will not be able to escape without a fight and possibly harm. By allowing this contact, the Heroine gives permission to allow all other hand contact with her body.

9. Hand to Torso. By touching her body, the Hero seeks to excite the Heroine into opening her clothes and exposing her skin for more intimate contact. "I want more..." Heavy petting is purely possessive in nature. The Hero is graphically claiming the Heroine's body as his territory. This contact normally begins with the clothing still on. If he starts at the top of her body: head, neck, shoulder, breast, stomach…etc. stroking her as one strokes a pet, then he shows affection. If he immediatley digs under her clothes to grab her, then he is claiming her as an object he intends to use - and throw away.

10. Mouth to Torso. He kisses her throat, her shoulder, and any other explosed skin. "I hunger for you." Mouth contact implies: Consume. The mouth is the most dangerous part of the body, it contains the teeth. This is where All remaining clothing is removed and full skin to skin contact begins.

She must be the first to open her clothing to him before any further contact can be made. If he takes the initiative removes his clothes without her first having opened something to him, then he implies that he is not interested in her readiness, he is there to take – not give.

Reality Check! According to my brothers, and the coffee house guys I interviewed, Clothing is the line they don’t cross. They wait for the girl's verbal permission, or for her non-verbal permission -- for her to open a button or remove her shoes, before they consider helping her out of her clothes. (Though they will occasionally begin to remove their own.) They were Very clear on this.

One guy at the coffee house started to say something about pushing the clothing line and nearly got decked right there in front of me. The guys considered removing her clothes without permission: Rape.

11. Hand to Genitals. His hands explore her intimately. "Are you ready for me?" His explorations are to insure that she is ready for full sexual possession. (Are her nipples hard? Is she wet?) If she is not ready, he will use his hands and mouth to stir her passions, insuring that she is eager to welcome him and will enjoy what they are about to share. Taking someone when they are not ready destroys all trust. They will not allow repeat contact and are likely to report to all the other potential mates that HE is not worthy of Trust.

12. Genitals to Genitals. Making Love, or Having Sex. "You are mine." Once full sexual contact is gained, both partners assume that they may have it again at any time. Consummated Sex implies ownership on a primal level. The KIND of sex they have implies how the participants feel toward each other. Making Love implies a relationship, Having Sex implies a diversion. With this one act, the Heroine knows for certain if the Hero can be trusted with her life.

In FICTION: the sexual act is a Metaphor
for a Relationship’s Emotional Progress.

Good Sex does NOT equal Trustworthy in real life.

These stages are based on the actual rules of courtship, but these stages are meant for fiction. In the real world, someone that cares whether or not the female reaches climax is NO GUARANTEE that he cares beyond ensuring that she will allow sex a second time.

Real Life doesn’t make sense – fiction Must.

Costume & Intimacy
The skin the Heroine has exposed, while fully dressed, advertises to the male half of the population exactly how Fast she is willing to proceed from Skin Contact to Sex.

A Heroine in a low-cut but full-skirted gown states that she will allow some kissing contact (stage 8) but sex must still be negotiated.

A Heroine in a floor length gown that exposes her entire back to the hips is stating that the man who gains permission to put his arm around her, (stage 6) will be allowed sex.

A Heroine wearing very little, short skirt or tight pants, short top, exposed belly and / or back...etc., is advertising that she will allow sex to the man that gains hand contact, (stage 4).

A Heroine in a skin-tight body suit is perceived as nude, even if the suit covers her from ankle to throat, as there is no impediment to immediate intimate contact. Sustained eye contact (stage 2) is considered a direct invitation to sex.

Color choice is also a factor in Readiness for Sexual Contact. Pastels signal Innocence, bright colors signal playfulness, dark jewel tones signal Interest but caution, and dark colors are a sign of Aggression.

The Ritual of Boy Meets Girl

The stages of Intimacy are not rigid, but fluid. Steps can be rushed, one right after the other, some may even be skipped, but skipped steps implies a lack of respect. Skipped steps can also imply a need to Control. These warning signs may not be understood Consciously, but be rest assured, Subconsciously, the other party is well aware of what's going on.

The Heroine meets a suitable young Man. They are introduced and he immediately goes to hug her, without bothering to offer his hand or speak with her personally. The Heroine may not feel that she has a reason to turn him down and so may allow the full-frontal contact. After that, she will refuse to be alone with him, in fact she may avoid him altogether, likely for the rest of the night. She may not even realize she's avoiding him, but she will avoid him none the less.

Why? Because whether she is aware of it or not, his rush into close physical contact removed all trust.

If the young man is wise, he will find her, hold out his hand and begin again, all the way back to a full reintroduction, preferrably with an apology inserted somewhere. If he does not, she will continue to avoid him - she will continue to feel uncomfortable, unsafe and 'pressured' by him. She will continue to feel that because she allowed 'full frontal contact' he will expect the Next Step in the Dance of Intimacy: a Kiss.

Intimacy is a Two-Way Street.

If The Heroine decides at any time to break the order and jump steps this gives the Hero permission to do so as well. However this also tells the Hero that He does NOT have to respect her personal boundaries - because She has violated His.

A Heroine that walks up to a strange man and kisses him on the mouth gives him permission to skip any step he cares to, even to the point of taking her right there. By kissing him on the mouth, she has violated his personal boundaries and shown him that he is an object, not worthy of her respect. At the same time, by invading his personal boundaries, she has proved to him that she is untrustworthy.

By taking each step in the Ritual of Romance, both the Hero and the Heroine show Respect for each other's personal boundaries. This allows Trust to build between them.

Without TRUST - between both parties - Love cannot happen.

Morgan Hawke

www.darkerotica.net

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