What if The Lord of the Rings was Written by Other Authors?
Shamelessly ripped off from www.straightdope.com
LOTR by Mickey Spillane
I was sitting by the fire, puffing on a pipe, still nursing a hangover from the ale-fest the night before, when HE walked in. He had a long white beard, a magical staff, and legs that youd like to eat on toast.
"Are you Frodo Baggins," he intoned.
"I might be," I said. "Who's asking?"
"My name is Gandalf, Mr. Baggins. And I need your help."
I looked him over. "Lots of people need my help. What makes YOU special?"
"Well, Mr. Baggins...there is a certain piece of jewelry. If it fell into the wrong hands, it could prove...troublesome. I need someone to take this ring to Mount Doom, where it can be destroyed."
I stuck some more weed in my pipe, and said, "Look, doll, let's get one thing straight- you can't come into my hole, tell me a fairy-tale about a magic ring, bat those pretty eyelids, and have me fall at your feet. I stick my neck out for nobody."
LOTR by Ernest HemingwayIt was very late and everyone had left the hall except an old man who sat in the shadows the leaves of the old Mallorn made against the moonlight. The two elves inside the hall knew that the old man was a little drunk, and while he usually was quiet and kept to himself they knew that if he became too drunk he would start setting things on fire, so they kept watch on him.
"He's drunk," one elf said.
"What do you care?"
"He's muttering about the secret fire."
"Leave him alone. He used to carry a ring."
"He'll stay all night. He should never have been rebodied."
The old man rapped on the table with his goblet.
The younger elf went over to him. "What do you want?"
The old man looked at him. "Another miruvor."
"You'll be drunk," the elf said.
The old man looked at him.
The elf went away. "Look at his bushy eyebrows," he said to his colleague. "There is nothing as nasty as an old Man. He'll stay all night and I'll never get any sleep."
The elf took the bottle of miruvor from the counter inside the hall and marched to the old man's table. He poured the goblet full. "You should never have been rebodied," he said to the old man.
LOTR by Mark Twain
NOTICE:
Persons attempting to resolve the question of Balrog wings by means of this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to define the nature of Tom Bombadil will be banished; persons attempting to find allegory in it will be shot.
BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR,Per G.G., Chief of Ordnance.
FOREWORD:In this book a number of dialects are used, to wit: the Quenya Elvish dialect; the extremest form of the Rhovanion dialect; the ordinary Sindarin dialect; and four modified varieties of this last. The shadings have not been done in a haphazard fashion, or by guesswork; but painstakingly, and with the trustworthy guidance and support of personal familiarity with these several forms of speech.
I make this explanation for the reason that without it many readers would suppose that all these characters were trying to talk alike and not succeeding.
THE AUTHOR.
CHAPTER 1
You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Red Book of Westmarch; but that ain't no matter. That book was made by Mr. Frodo Baggins and his Uncle Bilbo, and they told the truth, mainly. There was things which they stretched, but mostly they told the truth. That is nothing. I never seen anybody but lied one time or another, without it was the Lady Galadriel, or Elrond, or maybe Gandalf. The Lady Galadriel - the Lady of Lothlorien, she is - and Elrond, and the wizard Gandalf is all told about in that book, which is mostly a true book, with some stretchers, as I said before.
LOTR by George Orwell
"I cannot read the fiery writing," said Frodo.
"There are few who can," replied Gandalf. "It is the language of Mordor, which I will not speak here. Translated into the common tongue, it reads: 'All rings of power are equal, but some rings of power are more equal than others.'"
LOTR by Dave Barry
At the end of the Council of Elrond, everyone concluded that 'Shards of Narsil' would be a great name for a band.
LOTR, by John MiltonOf the great War of the Ring, and the quest
Of that Forbidden power, the long and
Arduous trek, thru' fiery, blasted plains
With faithful Hobbits and treacherous beasts
To Chaos' edge, and there to cast the One
To endless fire and eternal death:
Sing Heav'nly Muse, that in Rivendell did'st
First teach of the Rings of Power forgéd,
In the beginning how the Dark Lord Sauron
Brought into the world from fiery depths
Of Doom this ring of gold, pouréd into't
His Malice and his Evil; I now
Invoke thy Aid to my Adventrous song
That struggle as it might to take to th'air
Though will I drag from bottomless perdition
Things unattempted yet in Prose or Rhime
And justifie the ways of men to Elves.
LOTR by Tom ClancyThe King of the Nazgul (KotN) fingered the safety buckle that secured the shortsword in its scabbard. It was modeled after the Gladius design, making it wholly inadequate for going up against Elven armour, but it was perfectly suited for being jammed in the collarbone of a Hobbit 'merc, without calling too much attention to it's owner. His XO, "Camel" Khamul had used a similar weapon in numerous CoIN missions in North Gondor, where he had been sent to disrupt "Elrond's" supply fellowships sneaking down the Is-ild-ur trail.
The KotN smiled, even without a head. This mission was almost going to be a mead-run. Taking out a squad of sleeping halflings was going to be easier than slaying Wyvyrns sitting on a tarmac...
LOTR by Dr Seuss"Gandalf, Gandalf! Take the ring!
I am too small to carry this thing!"
"I can not, will not hold the One.
You have a slim chance, but I have none.
I will not take it on a boat,
I will not take it across a moat.
I cannot take it under Moria,
that's one thing I can't do for ya.
I would not bring it into Mordor,
I would not make it to the border."
LOTR by Danielle SteeleEowyn felt her heart flutter when she saw him. His raven hair flew in the breeze off the plain, and his piercing eyes caught her gaze as if by magic. He bore a kingly attitude; surely he was a prince. Her mind turned to forbidden things, things which would be forbidden to the King's niece, but surely allowed for a free shieldmaiden. She knew that she was made to love this ranger.
LOTR by Ayn RandSmeagol writhed in corruption, his lifelong attempts to collectivize the Hobbit economy had twisted his soul and body and brought ruin to the Shire. "Precious," he muttered. "Precious collective good giving according to need." He shuddered at the thought of the unbroken individual standing proudly over a conquered plain with the Ring, and felt jealous that the wholesome power could not be his.
LOTR by Choose Your Own Adventure
You're sitting in your hole, smoking a pipe and drinking some fine hobbit ale, when the door knocks. Outside, there's Gandalf the Wizard. Do you let him in?
If yes, go to page 65, if no, turn to page 43.
Page 65
"Ah, my dear Frodo, it's good to see you. Now, my boy, I'm here on urgent business. The magic ring your Uncle Bilbo took from Gollum is cursed, and must be taken far from here, until we decide what to do with it. Will you take on this mission?"
If yes, go to page 13, if no, turn to page 72:
Page 13:"Your courage does you honor, Frodo. Take this ring, and I'll meet you later. Do you want me to meet you at Galdriel's tree fortress or at Elrond's palace?"
For Galadriel's fortress, go to page 68, for Elrond's palace, turn to page 27.
Page 68:
As you enter the forest, the beautiful Galadriel and her footmen greet you. She says, "My, you're courageous to take this quest. Carrying that ring must be exhausting. Would you like to keep it, or give it to me?"
To keep the ring, go to page 47, To give it to Galadriel, turn to page 88.
Page 88:
"HAHAHAHAHAHA, you foolish halfling," she cries. "Now I am beautiful and terrible and mighty, and will rule all the Earth."
As she laughs, she signals her minions to torture you to death. At least, you die knowing you won't be around to see all of Earth under her tyranny.
THE END
LOTR by a Lawyer
COMES NOW, plaintiff, Sauron, to file this original Complaint, and would show this honorable court the following:
- Plaintiff and party of the first part, Sauron ("Sauron") is a(n) (un)natural person, and resident and domiciliary of Mordor.
- Defendant and party of the second part, Frodo Baggins ("Frodo") is a natural person and resident of Hobbiton. Co-Defendant and party of the third part Samwise Gamgee ("Sam") is likewise same.
- All parties being properly diverse, jurisdiction is proper pursuant to 28 M.E.C. 1332. Damages far exceed the minimum jurisdiction of the court.
- Defendant has converted and trespassed against the chattel and personalty of the plaintiff, namely, the One Ring ("Ring") and is liable to plaintiff for same.
- Plaintiff would further show on or about the final day of the Third Age, defendants did intentionally cause the destruction of Ring while plaintiff was engaged in defending his business from hostile takeover. In the alternative, plaintiff pleads that the actions of the defendants toward ring amount to recklessness, gross negligence, and negligence.
- As a direct result of destruction of Ring, plaintiff has suffered actual damages in the form of irreparable harm to his business and personal reputation, as well as direct and indirect loss of income. Plaintiff has further suffered from mental anguish, humiliation, and loss of consortium.
- Insofar as actions of defendants were intentional, plaintiff further requests punitive damages in the amount of treble his actual damages.
WHEREFORE, PLAINTIFF, SAURON, PRAYS FOR: all reasonable damages above named; FURTHER, plaintiff prays for all additional relief in law or equity deemed necessary and proper by this honorable court.
Respectfully submitted,
Mouth of Sauron
Attorney for Plaintiff
Middle Earth Bar No. 734925639
LOTR by CNN
Ringbearers still at largeMordor (CNN) - Reports from the field have just arrived that the notorious group of ringbearers known mysteriously only as "the nine" were spotted by a band of orcs entering the terrorist safe haven known as "Lothlorien" several days ago. The Mordor State Department issued an official proclamation today that the group were known to be armed and dangerous and had already caused the death of many orcs in the region as well as the notorious brutal murder of a high ranking Balrog previously residing in Moria. They warn that any concerned citizens were to contact the Mordor Foreign affairs office immediately with information as to the whereabouts of these fugitives and to not try and confront them themselves.
"We will act in our utmost to bring these terrorists to justice" President Sauron declared today. "These terrorists are attacking our way of life, our culture and the way we live. The world must know that the collected will of the dark lord’s minions will be strong and resolute."
First detected in the town of Bree in the north of middle Earth, these terrorists wasted no time in coldly taking the lives of all nine Ringwraith Agents when it was discovered that they were on a plot to topple Mordor. It is believed that the group is composed of primarily hobbits backed up by support from a wide variety of races including dwarves, elves humans and a mysterious backer only known as "Mithrander".
"I must stress, Hobbits are a primarily peace loving race" President Sauron warned today after a spate of hate attacks against hobbit dwellings. "These hobbits are extremists, fundamentalists; they do not speak for hobbit kind".
Agents also believe that these terrorists have strong links to the group that assassinated the Foreign Diplomat, Smaug, earlier this age. If so, it would explain the impressive array of mythical weapons that the group has acquired.
So far, the terrorist group has been utilizing safe houses in elvish country to evade capture and have slipped passed even the most stringent defenses the Dark Lord has set in place. Residents are afraid for their children and people have stopped going out at night. "How am I going to let my kids go out and torture humans if I know that there’s a group of orc killers roaming the countryside" a concerned mother said today".
Experts believe that, if these rogues are not brought to justice, a rash of copy cat attacks will follow and severely hurt the economy.
-- written by CNN correspondent, Sauraman
LOTR by The Onion
Area man loses magical ring of power, thinks it may be behind the couch.
Local area man Sauron (last name withheld for privacy reasons) has been looking everywhere in his spacious 3 bedroom volcano for a ring he forged over 6000 years ago. He claims that the ring, although of little intrinsic value, has great sentimental value to him since he poured most of power into it.
"I mean, I guess it could be used to turn people invisible and bend knights to your will and stuff like that, but basically, it’s just a nice gold ring which I happen to like wearing"
Having last seen the ring when he went outside to check on some damn punk kids who were making a whole lot of noise outside of his estate in Mordor, he's not quite sure what happened to the ring after that.
"I was just going outside to shut those damn elves up, ya’know. There always barging in here every thousand years or so demanding I stop razing their lands and enslaving their people, gets to be kind’a a nuisance ya’know."
Sauron reports that he is not quite sure what happens next but, all of a sudden, he becomes a dis-corporated spirit, capable of doing no more evil than a overly dry turkey club sandwich.
"Anyway, I dunno what happened but I guess I just dropped the ring somewhere. Gee, I hope nobody picked it up cus, that would be theft plain and simple and even elves are above that. Although, come ta’think of it, those damn whippersnapper 'umans might’a done it. There not above anything, them spoiled brats."
Hoping that nobody picked up the ring over the ensuing 3000 year interval, Sauron is sure that the ring is just wedged behind the refrigerator or maybe even under the bed. He has high hopes on finding the ring and looks forward to wearing it again.
"Ya’know, about the only place I haven't checked yet is the forging room, I was going to do it two days ago but there was some ruckus with a spider in the west quadrant. At this rate, I probably won’t get a chance to have a good look in there until next week."
LOTR by Seinfeld
Seinfeld Episode 144: "The Ring":
So anyway my uncle gives me this ring of power and I can't even recharge my cell phone with it. What's up with that?
"Don't tell me you lost the ring George."
"I had it a minute ago. I must have left it in that restaraunt."
"No Rings for you," cried the Soup Nazgul.
This guy who wants me to get rid of the ring is named Gandalf. Have you ever met anybody named Gandalf? What's up with that?
The Council of Elrond:
"Sauron created the ring of power in the year...yadda, yadda, yadda... and that's how Frodo here got it."
Why didn't Sauron make a spare ring? What's up with that?
LOTR by Eminem
Lord of the Rings-Eminem
Do you know what it's like to be given a quest
To be told that my best is a jest in the mess of a world my parents confessed?
To be told that I'm going to fail no matter what I do
That everything's gonna go black
To be given a ring that my uncle's addicted to like smack?
A ring he won't let go
`It's mine,' Bilbo says, `just let go, Frodo,'
`F**k you,' I say, `You know yo flow is blow, that ring ain't no f**king memento.'
My man Gandalf comes in and lays down the law
Oh no motherf**king Bilbo sees his flaw
'Take this thing,' he says to Gan, and hands it over to the man
'Now it's been given,' he says to him, 'given and now I'm going to Rivendell.'
`Rivendell, hell," Gandalf says, 'elves run that place like some f**kin' jail cell, you do well to go to a Deep of Helm's,' he said.
`I'm going to Rivendell,' Bilbo said. `I'm sorry Gandalf but I'm going. Now take that f**king ring before it blings and f**king makes me cry like some f**king halfling.'
LOTR by TarantinoExcerpt from: 'Pulp Fellowship' by Tarantino
(please excuse the length)
2. EXT. HORSE DRAWN WAGON (MOVING) - MORNINGA rickety Horse Drawn Wagon creaks down the dusty back roads of the Shire. On the drivers board are two people-- one a Wizard, the other a Hobbit - the wizard wearing Homespun Robes and a pointy hat, the Hobbit standard Hobbit clothes, with a thin tie. Their names are Frodo (Hobbit) and Gandalf (Wizard). Gandalf holds the reigns.
FRODOThat did it, man -- I'm f**kin' goin', that's all there is to it.
GANDALF
You'll most certainly enjoy it. But You know what the funniest thing about Gondor is?
FRODO
What?
GANDALFIt is the small differences. Many the same things we have here, they have also there, but there they are somewhat different.
FRODOHow so?
GANDALF
Well, in Rohan, you can buy Pipeweed at a theatre. And I don't mean in a rolling paper either. They give you a pipe full of weed, like in a guest in your parlour! In Minas Tirith, you can buy weed at Denethor's. Also, you know what they call a Long Bottom Leaf in Gondor?
FRODOThey don't call it a Long Bottom Leaf?
GANDALF
No, they have no sense of the Shire there, they wouldn't know what the f**k a 'Long Bottom Leaf' is.
FRODO
What'd they call it?
GANDALFSweet Galenas.
FRODO(repeating) Sweet Galenas... What'd they call Silver Star?
GANDALF
Silver star remains Silver Star, but they call it the 'King's' Silver Star.
FRODO
What do they call Old Toby?
GANDALFI know not, I could not find Old Toby. But you know what they put on Mushrooms in Gondor instead of Bacon?
FRODO
What?
GANDALFMutton.
FRODO
Goddamn!
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Contributed by a Many Talented Straightdope readers
