Sunday, February 03, 2008

Writing the LOVE scene -- as opposed to the Sex scene.

-----Original Message-----
…How exactly I would go about writing a 'romantic/love' scene?”
-- Curious about Loving

I believe what you’re actually asking is the same question asked by everyone in the entire world:

“How can you tell when you are loved?”

First of all, don’t confuse Romance with Love. They are two completely different things!

Love vs. Romance

There IS a difference
  • Romance a manipulation technique designed to make someone receptive to Sex. The source of Romance is LUST.
  • Lovewhen someone’s happiness means more than your own. The source of Love is CARING.
To many people, Romance means ‘showing love’. That’s not true. You show love by Protecting the ones you care for with the intent to ensure their lasting happiness. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re nice to them.

"How do you write a LOVE scene
-- as opposed to a SEX scene?"

Exactly the same way. The real difference is the MOTIVE.
  • Lust’s motive is ORGASM.
  • Love’s motive is CARING.
"How do you SHOW the difference?"

It’s easier than you think, because you probably already do it regularly without realizing it.

Think in terms of your Pet...
-- When you want to show how much you care, you stroke them, cuddle them, and play with them. You also feed them, clean up their poop, and make sure they have vet check-ups. You do all of these things to keep them happy and healthy. You do these things to keep them from suffering in any way.

You do the SAME THING with people you love whether they are your parents, your friends, or your children – you hug them, play with them, joke around with them, make sure they’ve eaten, make sure their colds are taken care of, you make sure they are not suffering in any way –- physically or emotionally. You also bitch them out when they’ve done something that could harm them or result in misery.

The difference between these people and a Lover, is that when you are showing that you care for a lover, you use sex to bring them the greatest physical pleasure you can.

Point Blank:
Sex is just another form of PETTING.

LUST is a whole other bowl of kimchee.
LUST is a physical urge, like eating when you’re hungry, seeking warmth in the cold, or needing to pee. It is an urge that seeks relief just like all your other physical urges.

If the urgency is great enough, LUST will attempt every dirty trick in the book to get their hands on their object of choice to gain some relief. If that particular object gives them exceptional pleasure, whether it be a dildo, a rubber doll, a super soft sock, or a person, they’ll make sure that the toy is cared for, and in some cases, jealously guarded – so that the toy will still be there (and receptive) when they want to use it again.

The key word here is USE.
  • Lust USES others for selfish physical gratification.
  • Love doesn’t use, it GIVES.
Love gives affection to make the one loved happy.
-- If something should happen to cause hurt to the one loved, the one who cares is devastated by their FAILURE stop suffering from happening.

Lust takes affection to make themselves happy.
-- Toys have PHYSICAL value, not Emotional value. If their toy should break or refuse to be used, they will be FRUSTRATED and ANGRY, but they won’t think they failed. They’ll think the TOY Failed -- and just go out and get another toy.

"What's the real difference between
Love scene and a Lust scene?"

Very simply:
Lust Takes pleasure.
Love Gives it.

Jealousy is NOT a sign of LOVE.

Jealousy a sign of possession, of ownership; of FEAR that their object will be taken from them and no longer theirs to USE; of Obsession and ADDICTION.

Jealousy is a point-blank sign of someone concerned with their own happiness, Not their Beloved's. "I won't let you make me unhappy!"

When the Beloved's happiness comes SECOND to the lover's happiness, "If you love me, you'd do this to make me happy..." What they are expressing is OWNERSHIP.

When one is IN LOVE, and their lover sleeps with someone else, they do Not feel jealousy, they feel FAILURE, and point the blame squarely on themselves. “I wasn’t enough to make my beloved happy in bed. What did I do wrong?” If their feelings are strong enough, they may ALLOW their lover to keep their other lover --and give up on them entirely-- simply because it's what makes their beloved happy.

When someone is merely in LUST, they will ISOLATE the object of their desires; from friends, co-workers, family, and even pets. They will use every trick they know, such as; Stalking and Spying, to keep rivals (read: THIEVES) from taking what they have claimed as theirs, even if it's merely their object of Lust's attention.

Should the object of their Lust sleep with someone else, they will attack the one attempting to steal their possession. "How dare you touch what is MINE?!"

Then they will attack their 'supposedly' Beloved. "How dare you let someone else have you?! You belong to ME!" Punishment --with the intent to cause Emotional damage-- swiftly follows, such as; breaking something important to their Lust object, a brutal and bloody beating, or flat-out rape.

If their Lust Object doesn't leave at that point, the jealous owner will then enforce stricter forms of ISOLATION on their Lust Object; up to and including Imprisonment, to 'protect' them from Escape and/or Theft.

Why do some married women allow their husbands to have a mistress?
-- Because they LOVE their husbands and want them to be happy. If having a toy makes them happy, they’ll even arrange to get a good quality toy for him.

Note: This happens far more often than you might realize. I have several very good friends who were personally invited to be a paid mistress by the wife of a corporate husband.

Why do married men ALWAYS return to their wives?
-- Because they LOVE their wives. Anyone else is just a toy to relieve their physical urges.

Think on that while you write your love scene. I swear the difference will show through.

Post Script...
-----Original Message-----
"I'm not sure I agree with the last bit about mistresses, but that's mostly because I find myself unable to justify anyone 'in love' ever cheating on their loved one - again, because it's hurtful and selfish, and a way of making yourself feel good, even as it hurts your husband/wife."
-- Not Fond of Cheaters

That bit about Mistresses was merely a point to show that someone who is in love will allow their loved one damned near anything, even if it hurts them -- not an endorsement.

Love can be a real b!tch.

Once you love someone, no matter what they do to you, you can't stop loving them. You can only endure it as long as you can, until either they straighten up, or they drive you away.

I learned my lessons through cold hard experience.

-----Original Message-----
"Wow, I always thought Romance was about Love...?"
-- Prefers Romance

EVERYONE thinks Romance is about love -- because we really, really WANT it to be.

Romance tells us that the Other Person gives up everything for Us, when in fact, the opposite is true. Real Love makes us give up everything for THEM.

When you think about it, Love is a very scary emotion. It makes us give up everything we want, everything we are -- for someone else. If they are not worthy of such a sacrifice, it doesn't matter because we LOVE them and want them to be happy at any cost.

Real Love comes in many different shapes and colors.
A love that looks destructive from the outside, such as Bondage and Domination, could in fact be perfectly supportive and exactly what both lovers need from each other. A good movie that illustrates this perfectly is "Secretary".

On the other hand, what an outsider may think is positive and supportive might in fact not be love at all. Case in point, stalking was once thought of as being an expression of love. Angry possessiveness can look an awful lot like love when in fact it is a terror tactic designed to isolate the one supposedly beloved.

When a lover asks their beloved to choose between them and anything else, a friend, a pet, or even a hobby, they not interested in their significant other's happiness. They are ensuring that their toy has no outside distractions and is available for their convenience. A good movie that illustrates this is "Sleeping with the Enemy".

A lover that yells at their beloved for their destructive habits, such as over-spending, drugs, booze, more likely to be showing real love, than a lover that sweetly begs their beloved to drop their plans for going out with their friends for a romantic dinner date with them.

How do you tell the difference?
-- Measure each action by this question: "WHO benefits from the Results?"

I am firmly of the opinion, that if one is going to write about Love, one should really know what it is -- and what it isn't.

Morgan Hawke



  1. Great point, Morgan!!

    I said something similar to one of my authors recently but you have much better examples than I do!

  2. Excellent points. Thanks Morgan!!!

  3. Ah me, Morgan. I love your articles. So insightful! I only wish you'd write them a teense more often. Yet another one to print out and put where I can see it often.

  4. Maura,
    -- Wow... Apparently, this is a popular question.

    -- You're welcome. I'm glad you liked my article.

    -- I'm glad you liked my article! I'm sorry I don't post that often, but truthfully, I've run out of ideas on what to post. Any suggestions?

  5. Morgan,
    First time visitor here. Excellent article. I write a lot of erotica myself and have often said there is a fine line between good smut and bad smut. The same goes for romance. I think you nailed it in this post.

    If you want tips on boosting your posting frequency, feel free to stop by our blog Men with Pens. Right now it's mostly the business aspect of blogging, but I'm working my way into launching a series to help creative writers.

    It also sounds to me like you're suffering from one of the 7 Deadly Fears of Writing. This is a post at our old blog site.

    Keep up the good work, and remember, you're a writer, you'll never run out of ideas.

    Harrison McLeod

  6. Hi, Morgan.

    I don't write erotica (I have little confidence, and even less practice, in that area) but I've found your blog to be a great resource for creative writers in general.

    I really mostly agree with this post. My friends and I often had arguments over what "real love" is. My views are usually considered boring, because I steer away from angst, and emotional turmoil, and big displays of affection. To me, a guy giving me roses in front of a stadium full of people and declaring his undying love would be very sweet. But a guy bringing me cocoa and rubbing my feet after I've had a long day would touch me even more.

    My only disagreement is that I think jealousy and possessiveness can exist alongside true love. But I think that, if you love someone, you can get past those primitive, knee-jerk, emotional reactions, and put making them happy above those negative feelings. Not that you still don't feel jealous or possessive, but you deal with it for their sake.

    For example, in the mistress example you used, I'm betting the wives still feel jealous and possessive, no matter how extremely well they seem to be dealing with the situation.

    And sorry I wrote so much. Once I get started...

    Again, I love your blog, and I always look forward to your next post.

  7. Harry,
    -- I'm so glad you found my blog entry of interest!

    Love is a very difficult emotion to identify, never mind deal with because of the sheer amount of mis-information thats been spread about it.

    Hopefully, I was able to shed a little light for those who are still confused.

    By the way, I went to your site. Excellent advice! Thank you for the heads up.

  8. Morgan,

    Thanks so much for stopping by my blog, I'm glad you liked it - and I hope you keep coming by.

    I hope you keep posting (now that I've subscribed). You have a ton of very good posts here and I'd like to see more. I spent a couple of hours last night reading through your archives. It was like a bag of potato chips, I couldn't stop at one!

  9. Sherry,
    -- I'm glad you like my article!

    Unfortunately, I am going to have to disagree on Jealousy & Possessiveness.

    Jealousy's root is the Fear of being Abandoned, of being left behind, of being dumped, of not having something they value when they want to use it.

    When one is truly loved, FEAR of abandonment is not something one feels. One KNOWS they will never leave. One KNOWS that they will move heaven and earth to stay.

    When a Lover is jealous and possessive, that indicates that they are concerned with their own happiness, not their Beloved's. "I won't let you leave me and make me unhappy!"

    When the beloved's happiness comes SECOND to the lover's happiness, "If you love me, you will do this to make me happy," -- that's ownership, NOT Love.

    When one is truly in love, one wishes to secure their beloved's happiness at ANY COST. If that means giving them up, then they will do so because personal pain and misery won't stop them from doing whatever it takes to make their beloved happy.

    Jealousy has No Place in Love.
    -- One's beloved is not an object to keep in a velvet box or at the end of a leash. One's beloved is not one's source of happiness that must be guarded against theft.

    One's beloved is the person whose happiness must be protected, even at the cost of your own.

  10. Harry,
    "Thanks so much for stopping by my blog, I'm glad you liked it - and I hope you keep coming by."

    I will indeed! LOTS of very interesting and useful advice to be had there.

    "I hope you keep posting (now that I've subscribed)..."

    Wow, I have a subscriber? How cool is that?

    "...You have a ton of very good posts here and I'd like to see more."

    As soon as I think of something interesting to rant or rave about, I most definitely will. However, I've written on so much already it's hard to come up with something new and useful to write about.

    Any suggestions?

    "I spent a couple of hours last night reading through your archives. It was like a bag of potato chips, I couldn't stop at one!"

    Best Compliment EVER! Thank you, Harry!

  11. @Morgan: I've got plenty of suggestions and would like to run some by you. I can't seem to find your contact email anywhere. Drop me a line at harry @ menwithpens (dot) ca

  12. Excellent blog. I've read your blog for a long time, but never added a comment.

    Thank you for numerous posts. I use many of your pointers in my writing.

  13. Morgan,

    I absolutely love your site! I have found your posts on plotting and character development particularly helpful. In fact, I was able to complete the outline for my current manuscript in two nights! I just posted a review of your blog and included links to it and to your Cheater's Guide book.

    If you are interested in reading it, follow the link in my name to my profile, then my blog. The review is one of my June 3, 2008 posts.

    Thanks for the inspiration!

  14. It reminds me of something a TV preacher said

    Love is giving
    Lust is taking

    Powerful and true then...powerful and true now.

    BTW - I sooo love your blog it is at the TOP of my favorites list. This is the most informative blog on writing out there.


  15. Love your writing and cannot wait for the next book.

  16. Hello :)
    It's wonderful that you discuss/write to help young writers get started. But I really Really miss having a new story from you (FLIGHT OF THE TITANIA hint hint :D )

    is there any news when we fans might start looking for a new story from you?

    (with chocolate, whipped cream and NUTS on top? /or under, which ever way you may want it/ :D)
    hehehe yes, I'm trying to bribe you with virtual chocolate, I Miss Your Stories! I want more of Rafael, Aramus, and Elaine! you made a little mention of Rafael in Kiss of the Wolf. I loved it....but more please? or more of the Crimson series? and of course, more of the Star universe. LOL ok, face it. any thing you want to write, and I'll read it :D Thanks for sharing your creativity!

  17. Hi Morgan!

    I've been coming to your website and lurking and I really LOVE IT!

    I have a question. I would like to write erotica and some of the stuff that you only read with a raincoat in an adult book store. LOL!

    Could you tell me how to get into the market? I see all the epublishers out there so that's not too much of a problem. But how do you get to write for the the "pushing the envelope" stuff.



  18. Hi Morgan,

    I've been a fan since House of Shadows (& have been awaiting the sequel... ;) )

    You have such a gift for articulating & clearly defining aspects of writing.

    I see it's a been awhile between posts & no doubt you're busy enough, but do you think the future you'd be interested in blogging about your writing? It would nice to be able to keep up to date with what you're doing with your different books... or maybe an update to
    (Right now I feel a bit guilty asking...) :)

    All the best!

  19. Sophia,

    In thr right hand column, go to:
    -- Articles On Erotic Romance & Erotica

    And click on:
    -- Writing STROKE-FICTION Erotica

    That one's for you.

  20. Anny Cook
    -- Thank you sweety!

    Juliette Dupree
    -- Wow, I'm truly flattered. Thank you!

    -- Sometimes simple and direct advice isn't all that easy to swallow. However, that doesn't make it any less true.
    -- I'm thrilled you like my blog! Thank you.

    Dearest the.witch ans S.,
    -- As soon as I have news I will post it. I promise.